What no blog?

Thank you to all those kind folk who have been in touch recently concerned about my state of health since my lack of blogging.

One of the things I am having to learn to live with is patience! Looking back I suppose a lot has happened in the past year and I have had many changes to get used to. Change doesn’t frighten me, it would be fair to say I thrive on change, as it appeals to my creative side, but the changes I have recently had to adapt to are proving quite a challenge, even for me.

Mentally this is the hardest period I have had to go through even if from the outside I appear, and am, so much better than I was. I have now come off all my medication and I am waiting. Waiting for the energy, spirit and positivity to return so that I can get back to creating, enjoying and living life. I blame the drugs (not that I didn’t need them at the time). I can quite understand how easy it must be to relapse and seek out powerful external chemicals that seem to provide another map of the world, and once one has been dependent on them, how difficult it can seem to produce the same state naturally. Each day is getting a little easier but not at as fast a pace as I would like. I find myself feeling tired and irritable with a ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude. I am hoping this will soon pass. I now have the time freedom to do what I like and when (within very limited financial constraints). Do you remember my earlier post on the value of time, the most scarce of resources? It is extremely frustrating to have the time but not the will! I am sure it will return but meanwhile I hear the voices of the Macmillan nurses telling me to give it time. I have come to the conclusion that cancer is a time thief. I don’t want to allow it to steal more of my time by robbing me of enjoying the time I now have. If all this sounds a little confusing it is! I am trying my best to make sense of it all.

This last week we have visited Winston Churchill’s family home in Kent and Ikea (not on the same day), I had a massage at the Fairfield Spa (which was once the psychiatric hospital where I did my training) and a hair cut at the Cancer Hair salon. We also got to see our best friends yesterday and plan some fun days out together. I have been walking the dog daily with Colin and trying to use all the standard text book strategies to keep depression at bay. I think I am winning the battle but only just. During the week I got a call from a school nurse friend and a Children’s centre both asking for advice on mental health topics and the switch back to my old self (if only temporarily) was remarkable. I know I still have all the knowledge and expertise that has grown throughout my years of working within in the field and it was great to be able to put it to good use. I have a duty to get my book finished and out there.

Today daughter No.1 is treating me to afternoon tea which will be followed up by us watching the first episode of 24, Season 3, tonight with Colin and her young man. Sunday will be spent with daughter No.2 and a visit to the Steam fair to show Elliot the engines and tractors. Elliot is a credit to his mum, always has a smile on his face and is a joy to be around.

My next hospital visit is on October 22nd, when unfortunately I need to have another bone biopsy. Having learnt from past experiences, I am opting again to have the process whilst I sleep blissfully unaware and pain free. This makes the day much longer as I need to be at the hospital by 9am and my last appointment with the consultant isn’t until 3.15pm making it rather a long day, especially for Colin. We are then hoping to leave early the next day and travel up to York to catch up with my fellow CPHVA trustee’s and hand in my resignation at the conference. It may be my last chance to meet up with them so I really don’t want to miss the opportunity.

The problem with this inconvenient health diagnosis, is that who knows when the nasty cancer rats will start making babies again, it is therefore so important to enjoy and grab each precious moment. This is an important message for us all and something we quite often forget as we so often fool ourselves into believing we are immortal. So life is still going on and I remain in remission, for that I feel very fortunate.

Thank goodness for my loving, patient husband for whom I am eternally grateful to. Somehow he always manages to say the right things or nothing at all if that is what’s required.

Love to you all xxx

PS. Thank you to Justin who shared with me the blog of an amazing young (24yr old) lady who really IS an inspiration.

6 thoughts on “What no blog?

  1. Hey been thinking about you lots xx glad you are doing ok and great to read your blog.. as you say” time” the greatest healer, flyer,vanisher, and many more guises yet it passes us all by and before we know it another years gone by.. glad you have had some special highs to combat those awful lows..real trooper xx see you soon xxx

  2. Hi Deborah, Good to find you on line again, and hoping you will soon be able to dispel the depression, but it could still take a lot of time. For me, I was glad to see the back of my job (medical technologist) as I never really enjoyed it. Always had great co-workers, good pay,and mostly convenient shifts (especially for combining raising the family it was good to have some flexibility) but I was really happy to be able to get long term disability until retirement when the lymphoma raised it’s ugly face, and, having quite a few hobbies etc have not found myself missing work at all. But I can sense your grief over your loss in this respect, and it is going to be a challenge to fill the gap that the loss of your very satisfying job scene has left behind. I’m sure you will feel a lot better as your post chemo fatigue gradually dissipates, but meanwhile it’s a bummer for you to be stuck in the blues with their accompanying lack of motivation etc. Keeping everything crossed for a successful biopsy check, and sending the vibes and love. When last we “spoke” you asked me how old our greyhound, Canter, is. Well, he has just turned seven, so getting a bit senior now, but still very full of life and loves to exercise himself by doing spins – we call them his double axels, sometimes even triple axels. He was a very very shy boy and slow to bond. Living where we are now is not ideal as we are not completely fenced so have to exercise on lead, with a daily gallop unleashed up to the house for breakfast: this works well when he’s really hungry! Our daughter Tammy (whom you met at my family’s home in Cookham Dean when she was about eighteen months and you would have been, what, eight?? 1971 the year was, don’t suppose you remember, lots of dachshunds??) lost her greyhound aged 13 to osteosarcoma (brutal) last Christmas and is wading deep into dogdom once more with a puppy. It’s a greyhound cross, so officially a lurcher I suppose, the mum is a greyhound/deerhound or wolfhound they are not quite sure since she is also a rescue, and the father probably a greyhound apparently so all a bit of a mystery and will certainly be interesting to see what turns up to live with them! Tammy has two little girls who will be six and eight in March, so they will no doubt have to husband their shoes and toys very carefully! She gets the puppy early November when it will be eight weeks old, and this is through the northwest canadian greyhound league, one of many greyhound rescue operations on this continent. I’m doing Ok, hard to trust ones body at all after what we’ve been through, every little niggle you think oh dog what’s up now but my last check was good: the fluid in my left pleural cavity is still there, a little bit, and there is still a small area of collapse in my left lung, but the dr says it’s improving and could probably still improve some more and generally seemed pleased. I am now almost nine months past chemo and still get quite fatigued, but maybe this is also because I will be sssshhhhh thirty five for the second time next April. Definitely more motivation tho, and less depression, so feel it’s still early days for you. Do please give my love to your mum Deborah, and a big hello to your sister, your daughters, and of course your little Elliot, and I send extra hugs and love to you. Nicola

    Sent from my iPad


  3. Me again Deb – just retread one of your previous posts and I forgot to add in my recent letter that when I do next come to the UK I really want to make it a priority to meet up with you and your mum. I’m not sure when to think about this but if not this coming year then certainly the next one. I do find travel a bit tiring now (spoilt with the motorhoming!) and flying particularly unappealing, but still have an elderly uncle in London that I need to visit every so often and also my sister although she lives on the IOW so not too handy to get down there. However, Letchworth is easily do-able from London and would be so great to see you all again. It’s been years.XO N

    Sent from my iPad


    • Hi Nicola

      Thank you for your two comments. I am just off to a pamper morning which is being held by our local Cancer charity so will be brief as Colin will return from walking Frodo any minute and expect me to be ready.
      I am sure we can work lots of things out when you come and stay. Colin and I keep meaning to go over to the IOW but have not done so yet so perhaps you could stay here for a while and then we could drive you over in the motorhome? We are also close to London, 30mins by train and 10 mins down the road from mum. We just need to work out timings as we plan to visit Portugal sometime and France again.

      I definitely remember the dachshunds!

      I hear the door, must rush

      Bye for now


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