Thank you to all those kind folk who have been in touch recently concerned about my state of health since my lack of blogging.
One of the things I am having to learn to live with is patience! Looking back I suppose a lot has happened in the past year and I have had many changes to get used to. Change doesn’t frighten me, it would be fair to say I thrive on change, as it appeals to my creative side, but the changes I have recently had to adapt to are proving quite a challenge, even for me.
Mentally this is the hardest period I have had to go through even if from the outside I appear, and am, so much better than I was. I have now come off all my medication and I am waiting. Waiting for the energy, spirit and positivity to return so that I can get back to creating, enjoying and living life. I blame the drugs (not that I didn’t need them at the time). I can quite understand how easy it must be to relapse and seek out powerful external chemicals that seem to provide another map of the world, and once one has been dependent on them, how difficult it can seem to produce the same state naturally. Each day is getting a little easier but not at as fast a pace as I would like. I find myself feeling tired and irritable with a ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude. I am hoping this will soon pass. I now have the time freedom to do what I like and when (within very limited financial constraints). Do you remember my earlier post on the value of time, the most scarce of resources? It is extremely frustrating to have the time but not the will! I am sure it will return but meanwhile I hear the voices of the Macmillan nurses telling me to give it time. I have come to the conclusion that cancer is a time thief. I don’t want to allow it to steal more of my time by robbing me of enjoying the time I now have. If all this sounds a little confusing it is! I am trying my best to make sense of it all.
This last week we have visited Winston Churchill’s family home in Kent and Ikea (not on the same day), I had a massage at the Fairfield Spa (which was once the psychiatric hospital where I did my training) and a hair cut at the Cancer Hair salon. We also got to see our best friends yesterday and plan some fun days out together. I have been walking the dog daily with Colin and trying to use all the standard text book strategies to keep depression at bay. I think I am winning the battle but only just. During the week I got a call from a school nurse friend and a Children’s centre both asking for advice on mental health topics and the switch back to my old self (if only temporarily) was remarkable. I know I still have all the knowledge and expertise that has grown throughout my years of working within in the field and it was great to be able to put it to good use. I have a duty to get my book finished and out there.
Today daughter No.1 is treating me to afternoon tea which will be followed up by us watching the first episode of 24, Season 3, tonight with Colin and her young man. Sunday will be spent with daughter No.2 and a visit to the Steam fair to show Elliot the engines and tractors. Elliot is a credit to his mum, always has a smile on his face and is a joy to be around.
My next hospital visit is on October 22nd, when unfortunately I need to have another bone biopsy. Having learnt from past experiences, I am opting again to have the process whilst I sleep blissfully unaware and pain free. This makes the day much longer as I need to be at the hospital by 9am and my last appointment with the consultant isn’t until 3.15pm making it rather a long day, especially for Colin. We are then hoping to leave early the next day and travel up to York to catch up with my fellow CPHVA trustee’s and hand in my resignation at the conference. It may be my last chance to meet up with them so I really don’t want to miss the opportunity.
The problem with this inconvenient health diagnosis, is that who knows when the nasty cancer rats will start making babies again, it is therefore so important to enjoy and grab each precious moment. This is an important message for us all and something we quite often forget as we so often fool ourselves into believing we are immortal. So life is still going on and I remain in remission, for that I feel very fortunate.
Thank goodness for my loving, patient husband for whom I am eternally grateful to. Somehow he always manages to say the right things or nothing at all if that is what’s required.
Love to you all xxx
PS. Thank you to Justin who shared with me the blog of an amazing young (24yr old) lady who really IS an inspiration.