Last night I got thinking, always a dangerous thing especially when one has taken an extremely high dose of steroids, so I blame the drugs!
Many people I have spoken to recently, have told me about their lack of choices. How they feel trapped by their lifestyles. They appear to have painted themselves into a corner (imagine literally doing that) and there seems to be no way out.
So there they stand stuck, rooted to the spot with little or nowhere to move. What would you do if that were you? Stuck among a sea of wet sticky gloss paint with only a paintbrush in your hand. Could you work your way out?
I challenge you to think of a way. Perhaps you would need to just walk through it and get your feet wet? But think of the consequences to those glossy footprints spread around, others noticing the mess.
You get out but where do you go next? Now you have an un-painted corner, do you go back and finish it off when everything has dried out? Have you ever done this? Was it as bad as you thought it might have been?
Perhaps, just perhaps it reveals something new. Maybe it exposes your ability to move on and become unstuck. You might then have the power of knowledge that, it is, possible?
Hmm you see I have been thinking.
I really do appreciate my life and for that I am very grateful. Dare I say, that even includes my unstable health predicament. At this moment in time I really couldn’t be much happier, the only icing on the cake would be a cure for all cancers and I believe we are very close to reaching that point.
Having cancer has shown me so much. I have learnt how much I am loved and that feels good. I have found true friendships, become even closer to my family and had my eyes open to the wealth of human spirit and generosity around me.
I must admit though a few weeks before Christmas, at a time when I was in remission and physically almost recovered from the last rounds of treatment, I was at my lowest point. I was clinically depressed. I couldn’t talk about it, there didn’t seem much point in that or anything else much. On the outside I bumbled along but inside I was flat, unmotivated. I started to shut the world out, you may have noticed my lack of blogs. Perhaps you thought this was a good sign? That I was getting on with enjoying life at a time I was physically able to do so. Planning a holiday abroad and organising a family Christmas. The worse of all I felt ashamed, I am or was Deborah Bone expert Mental Health Practitioner. I had the answers for good mental well being, but here I was locked in the dark hole and thinking that there really wasn’t a way out. I lost one of the things dearest to me, no longer able to practice as a qualified nurse, my identity had changed. No longer was I Deborah Bone, the Mental Health Nurse, I become Deborah Bone, you know the one with Cancer. Luckily for me I am no longer in that place. So what pulled me out and sent the black dog scarpering? I need a bit more time to think about that one so I will save it for another time. You lucky readers!
Back to choices. Having being diagnosed with what is described by some medics as a terminal illness (I know otherwise.) my choices seemed to be slipping away. My life has changed dramatically, but looking back I can’t say it’s all been so bad and at this moment in time life feels pretty good. I am doing I job I love again, working with my husband in a beautiful home surrounded by family who love me and true friends. I have enough money to buy fresh wholesome food and the time to prepare and cook it. I can stop in the day to visit a spa, have friends round for lunch, sit in my PJ’s and watch TV. I can decide to pick up my paints or make jewellery, I can take the dog out for fresh air, spend whole days with my grandson, infact do pretty much anything my heart desires. I consider that fairly lucky, don’t you?
So what stops you having some of this dream of a lifestyle?
Maybe you don’t have the same dreams for a start.
But so many times I hear people say that they have no choice. They have painted themselves into that corner and cannot see a way out, at least not without making a big mess of things. If you are one of these people just think for a moment if you did find a way what would it be like for you?
If your dream life were to start tomorrow morning, what would you be doing. Are many of you stuck already. I can almost hear some of you thinking, I would need to win the lottery. Now you are stuck because that bit is out of your control! What would the money bring you that you couldn’t find in another way?
I know the most lovely sensitive, kind charming guy. He represents lots of other people I have spoken to professionally and privately. He feels stuck in his corner. It’s not all bad in there he can temporarily swing from the chandelier now and again, but it always seems to end up with him falling back into that corner. I wonder what it would be like for him if one day he just walked through that wet paint and entered a different room on the other side. No painted floors, a blank canvas just waiting for that first brush stroke? A blank first page on the novel “My New Life” or the “The Day I got My Feet Wet”.
Perhaps you will discover a new skill, make new connections, more money than ever before or realise you gain that most precious gift of all time. I can feel another book coming on.
In my story, my guy uses his talents and love for cooking to set up his own company catering for the rich and famous. Whist swinging from the chandelier he took a holiday to Italy and learnt from the great master chefs. He learnt how to source the finest ingredients and from a Sommelier about the perfect wines to accompany each corse. He became well known in his circle of old colleagues and new and old friends, and was in high demand. He learnt so much and taught so much to so many. He took control and it wasn’t nearly as messy as he feared it would be. He is the hero in my book which is going to become a best seller. All the proceeds are going to go back to my main character who inspired the book in the first place, but somehow I don’t think he will be needing it.
Call me a dreamer, I can take such a title and wear it with pride. If you don’t have a dream, how you going to have a dream come true. Oh dear, I feel a Miranda moment coming on and that will wake Colin up! I had better move on before I just can’t help myself.
Today I am off for a trim at the Cancer hair place and then out for lunch with a good friend. I can do that sort of thing now, I may even get my nails painted again. I will then get home and carry on with my most enjoyable work project.
If you find yourself stuck in any corners just dare to spend a few of your precious moments today thinking about taking another swing on that chandelier and imaging a house full of other blank walls just waiting for you.
Have a good day if your not too exhausted from reading all of the above.