Pleasure vs Pain

Yesterday following another tearful conversation, I thought I recognised the signs of depression creeping in. OK it is quite reasonable for me to be unhappy about the situation I am in. Only six months ago I had a job that I loved and that provided me with an identity, status and security. I am now not the Clinical Lead and Service Manager of Step 2, a service I designed and developed from scratch. So who am I and what am I to become? All of this is enough to make any one feel low in mood. But yesterday I thought enough is enough. Where was my usual Pollyannerish attitude to life? This was what really defined me. That creatively I could work with others and explore opportunities at the bleakest of times. Acknowledging the pain and grief but finding the light and something that together we could work on. Reframing the grey into a paler shade of white and the darkness into a moment in time, before the light was switched back on.
So I decided to take advantage of the sunshine and the fact that I had the time to lie on my sun lounger looking out onto the most magnificent of views. I started to develop another chapter of my book and visualise the money it was going to make and the fact that by writing this and delivering a few press conferences, provided us with the income we needed. Enough to spend the winter somewhere warm as we set off on our travels in the motorhome with no restrictions on when to come home. I thought about the annual leave that in the past I so carefully preserved, and then didn’t end up using as the end of the year was always too busy a time to take it. I decided I would exercise, just a little to start with every day.

So yesterday morning started pretty well once the tearful telephone conversation was over. Mum kindly bought me a lovely loose outfit to wear in the hot weather and we sat enjoying a leisurely lunch together. I then squirrelled myself away again in the motorhome for my ritual siesta. As the evening approached I enjoyed hearing about Sue and Angela’s adventures in France before meeting up with the party committee at Kate’s.

All seems to be going well with the party arrangements and much of the discussion albeit after a few glasses of wine (not drunk by me sadly:( ) was about how many flushes the porta loos would allow, and whether it was appropriate or NOT, to set up a mens urinal facility behind some sort of windbreak! More seriously, everyone is working so hard to make this a fantastic evening and I am sure it will be. We just need the weather to be on our side.

Unfortunately, hence the title pleasure versus pain I was in agony by the time I got into bed with the pains in my legs as bad as they had ever been. Honestly, I wish someone would tell me how long this peak was going to last as every time I think I have turned a corner it comes back to bite me.

Today is going to be a good day as will the whole weekend so please do enjoy yours.


Ps I would like to give special thanks to Heather who is always so supportive and there no matter what and to Sharon who provided the new marvelous chocolate bar that was enjoyed by us all. And to Sue and Angela who have so kindly bought us over 30 bottles of wine for the party it is so much appreciated. When you think about all this what the hell have I really got to be depressed about!

7 thoughts on “Pleasure vs Pain

  1. Sorry to hear about the pain Mum. But was lovely to talk to you this morning. Hope it goes soon. Your grandson is being a little terrible 2’s at the moment… but he turns 1 and a half tomorrow… We will see you when better but rest up until then. 🙂 Hopefully the pain will be gone soon xx

  2. Hi Deborah

    Mike and I went to a festival a couple of years ago and they had eco-friendly men’s urinals (basically bales of straw). Not sure what they did with them though!

  3. Yes today and the weekend WILL be a good one Debbie. It is very hard when you make a transition from a working ‘title’ and position, although I can never know what your situation is like or how you feel, know that when I became a carer and left work that I decided I needed to rebuild that identity and as egoist as it sounds be recognized again as the valuable person in my own right, regardless of what other people said, I was but that I no longer felt important beyond the four walls, but I and you are lucky, as artist we have an opportunity to express ourselves from any corner of the world or any corner of our minds. you are doing this with your blog, reaching out and capturing the hearts and minds of others, letting people know that it is okay to feel any manner of feelings from absolutely shit to great and voicing the myriad of confusion, anger and humour others maybe can’t-not that different to your role within mental health. Are you going to do some drawing/painting/illustrations to accompany your book, maybe a child friendly book for younger people experiencing illness.. you have so much skill to engage others and although you should never place pressure on yourself to salve others issues when you may be feeling pain or tiredness, I imagine that you also need this outlet as therapy too. The fact is I had no idea that you had been poorly and still I refer to your great work two years on from experiencing the product of your ideas, so whether you are officially employed within a sector or not, you are still that kick ass woman and mind and I doubt that is going anywhere, you will never escape the artist and advocate you are I am afraid 😉 Much love Colleen xx

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